My April Adventure~~OY!

Let’s just hope the rest of ‘10 isn’t as exciting…it was bad enough to tear a rotator cuff and come home to a broken into house on the same day in March, but what the Hell?! Dudes!!!
April was a bit much, ya know?!

I had been having heart palpitations since March…dunno what caused it, coulda been practically anything from too much caffeine (yeah right, no such thing) to an earthworm farting underground in Mongolia….whatever…

They’d been lasting a couple of minutes, where it felt like my heart would explode out of my chest and flop around on the floor like a Magikarp…then it would settle down and I could get back to whatever I was doing…now it wasn’t like I was running a marathon or hand to hand combat, just sitting, being in bed…there was no rhyme or reason to why they’d start up.

I was using some Zen/Yoga/breathing techniques to settle the poor muscle back down and it had worked, at least up until the 22nd.

This time NOTHING was working. I was hoping it was just seeing Russell Crowe and Evan Lysacek on Ellen…guess not…this time the palpitations started around 9 and just didn’t stop…I was getting dizzy and lightheaded, and then I started the cold sweats, dry heaves, and radiating pain down my right arm…Shit! Now, female heart attacks aren’t like male heart attacks…guys will usually have chest pain, shortness of breath and radiating pain going down the left arm, but not all the time either though…we’re more likely to feel nauseous and have trouble sleeping, indigestion, and feel tired. No trouble sleeping, but as for the feeling tired…yep…had that one…I’d get his Highness-ness off to school and go back to bed to at least 10!

He was off of school that week so I didn’t hafta get up and get his ass in gear, so I was able to sleep in a bit later.
I had gotten up to a rusty hinge sound and was like wtf? I came down and it was Obelisk crowing…now that dippy bird knew there was something wrong me! She had been getting closer and closer when we went up to nap…she started at the other side of the bed, and the day before all this crap she was pressed up against my side…and then on my kneecap…I shoulda known to listen to the damned bird!!! She’s nevah cuddly or wanting to be anywhere near ya unless you’ve got chow…

So I grabbed some clothes and got dressed and went to the bathroom…I tried to get Obelisk to go up the stairs and wake Mike up by crowing at him…no such luck…She went Splort on the stairs instead, so I went up and got him up and had him call 911. The bus arrived shortly while I got my wallet and phone. No reason for house keys…I presumed someone would be there when I got back. I had Mike call Ernie and tell him to come home right away…Obelisk went on the porch and I went out and got met on the walk by the EMT’s. I know that one was blond and husky and the other was dark and thinner. I had my vitals taken and was hooked up to IV and O2. Lovely. They asked all sortsa questions…but they couldn’t get a BP on the left side…no shit…noone can…I had to tell em that you couldn’t because of the surgeries I had when I was little…

So off to South Shore Hospital I go…glad it wasn’t too busy…but then coming in by ambulance and being a cardiac patient…you go straight to the head of the line…everyone out of the way! Too bad if you’re holding a limb in your hand or you have an ax sticking out of your head.

Ernie got there by 11, I think…it was all becoming rather a blur…the EMT’s/Paramedics gave me some Adenosine 6, first then 12, to get the heart rate down and it didn’t do a damned thing…At South Shore, I got 12 more…around noon I think it slowed a tiny bit…by then I had had a gaggle of doctors going in and out. More times than not they left scratching their heads. Finally we had a Cardiologist come in who was part of the practice where my cardiologist practices…that one wasn’t in nor was the one that did the ablation in 03...But this guy got it in a nutshell! Dr. Tony Marks said, “I’m a plumber, you need an electrician.” So I was packed up to move to Brigham and Women’s in town. I had the IV, I had enough EKG’s to light a small town, a chest Xray, blood taken, and had the Defibrillator pads stuck on just in case they needed it…At South Shore, they thought about putting me under and shocking me…eep…Thank the Gods they didn’t have to…I KNOW that even being under it wouldn’t have been any fun at all.
As they were getting me ready to go, it was just in time because there was a car accident that was coming in with lots of people…wonder how they made out…
One of the Transport EMT’s looked like a cross between the gay paramedic from Trauma and Artie, the Quincy Fire Man that used to live across the street. He had a buncha tribal tats and are pissah cuff watch…I think I’ll have to have one of those…nevah loose a watch that way. I got carted off and stuffed into another bus for the ride to Brigham and Womens…I swear to the Gods noone got out of the way of the friggin ambulance…I suggested putting a rocket launcher on the top or a cow catcher to shove the ijits outta the way. They had the siren going and the lights too…and people were still ignoring this beastie coming up their asses and not moving…I think anyone who doesn’t get out of the way of emergency vehicles should be shot! Or at least incinerated, muthafuckas…
I can also attest to the fact that they’re not a comfy ride. I will take a long ride in Xicoh or Smokey anytime before another ambulance ride. I kept asking if they were running over SmartCars or Mini’s…
At least I hope I was good for comic relief…
At Brigham’s I got put into room 14...it was the one after 12 and they kicked a little old lady out of it to make room for me…made me feel like shit fur shur. The ER doctor guy was a cute little Armenian named Chris…good humoured and everything else. He also was part of Comic Con. He’d gather up used comic books to send to our troops. How cool is that?

I was there FOREVAH!!! I think I got there around two and I didn’t get to a room til like 10 PM. No food or anything!!! I had so much Saline solution going into me, I kept having to pee. Now since I was hooked up like something from a horror movie there was no way I could get up to go to the bathroom…Chris brought me this teeny plastic thing and gave me some privacy…listen folks, my aim ain’t good on a GOOD day and it wasn’t a good day…sheesh, but I managed to pee…swear they needed to pry the little piece of plastic outta my arse…I remember the good old days of the ice cold bed pans straight outta the meat locker…Pink plastic does NOT a bedpan make…

Ernie showed up…I guess his GPS had him going all over creation, but I think she did it to get back at him for making wrong turns…I was getting more EKG’s and I *think* I was getting more adenosine, but damned if I can remember for sure…of course the defibrillator was on battery and the whole time I was in the ER I went through 4 battery packs…hmmm…guess they don’t use Energizers hehe

I remember them haggling over whether they were gonna send me to a regular nursing floor or the Cardiac floor. Ernie told me that the Charge nurse on the regular floor was getting her knickers in a twist because she didn’t want me to monopolize all the nurses/doctors/go-fers on her floor…I was stable, hadn’t had any more palpitations so I was deemed ready to go up to the regular floor.

In the meantime, there was a drunk guy who came in for Gods only know what reason. I figured there was gonna be a riot. He didn’t want them to take his bottle, but after a half an hour, he gave it up. They gave him a blanket and he wanted it over his head. And that settled him down…I dunno why he wasn’t PC’d” put in Protective Custody until he dried out, but it wasn’t like mob scene busy either.

I got a room with a lady who had had a stroke. She wasn’t really in this world, and she had the music channel playing classical…whatever…I had the ball game on and got food too…om nom. I was starving which didn’t help anything. I had steak tips to die for and a mashed sweet potato. I think I’ll go to that restaurant again LOL So I have a new herd of doctors/assistants/nurses/gofers coming in and examining me…no palpitations so they’re checking me out: BP, IV, EKG, lungs, the whole shooting match…The head of this herd looked like the love child of Russell Brand, the English comic and David Blaine…he was sorta dippy acting like Russell Brand too…I dunno…then I had another doctor call me up because he had something to do with adult patients that had had surgery done at Children’s like me…He seemed okay. Asked lots of questions and stuff…I was tired, hungry and wanted to watch the ball game…Ernie had to go home because Mike had been by himself except for an hour or so when Ernie had stopped by between hospitals.

I’m watching the game and they examining me and I’m yelling at the TV because the Sox are doing stupid stuff…no palpitations…then all of a sudden they start when I’m just lying back…Mad scramble commences. I get more of the adenosine stuff…I think it was 6 again. Not working. They had to go running around looking for more of the stuff…sheesh…they had only had the one syringe. Found some more. Gave another 6, then a few minutes later, 12...still nothing…meanwhile there’s reams and reams of paper coming out of the EKG machine…Happy Earth Day…there goes a whole friggin forest. I mean I could’ve wallpapered my whole house!!!
“Interesting design, Is it York or Marburg?”
“Nope, my EKG…”

LOL

So now I’m getting the bum’s rush to the Cardiac Unit because all of the nurses/doctors/assistants/go-fers are in my room marveling…
“We can’t have you taking up all our staff’s time because there’s other patients here that need things too.”
Like I’m being a fucking DIVA and wanting white wall to wall carpeting and white fluffy kittens…damnation!!
“Listen sister, I’m just fucking laying here, trying to watch a ball game and not have my heart flop onto the floor, don’t give me no fucking ‘tude bitch!” was what I wanted to say…

So I call Ernie and tell him that I’m getting moved…this is like 11.

About 12 I call him back. I’m in my new room…Holy SHIT! It’s like a fucking hotel room…wow! Single room too. It was HUGE! Hardwood floors, a view, a huge bathroom, a fold out bed, and flat screen TV…

Too bad I can’t really enjoy it…I have IV’s, EKG leads, pads for the defibrillator and on top of everything else in this wonderful day, I have my period…pfft.

At this point, I’m friggin tired and just wanna sleep…I fell asleep before the end of the game…dammit…I get woken up for a blood draw. Oh Joy. Here, use my tampax…then for meds and change the IV…shitonastick can’t a body sleep in the hospital! I can’t remember the names of all the nurses, blood suckers, doctors, food folks…too many people trooping in and out…

Russell Brand came back through…and a Greek girl, Ionna can’t remember the last name from the other floor…I think she was a cardiologist, but don’t hold me to it. Another doctor called Sasha, who was a trip; and AnneMarie Valente, Dave Chokshi, an Indian guy who was really nice. Tons and TONS of newly minted residents…and an endocrinologist or two…

The doctor who called the previous night came through to see me, Michael Landzberg.…A New York Jewish guy…oy…but I like him…he knew the doctors that had done my surgery way back in the early Paleolithic Era, William Bernhardt and Grant LaFarge. I don’t remember much about Bernhardt except for his lack of bedside manner and his taking out of my stitches…along with waking up and asking for water during on of my other catheterizations…LaFarge reminded me of Harold Gould…he was very handsome and tall.

Now it’s Friday. And they’re telling me I’m scheduled for an MRI over at Children’s. Okay…because of the BACH team which Dr. Landzberg is part of. BACH isn’t the JS dude that did the pretty music. BACH is the Boston Adult Congenital Heart service. Since I HAVE a congenital heart defect…I’m in like Flynn.

So I eat my breakfast and wait and wait and wait…It’s about 2 and I’m missing the end of Criminal Intent…dammit…but I’m taken through the hiways and byways of Brigham and Womens and Childrens. I get there and the gal is like we’ve updated your information…Wait a friggin minute…I haven’t been here since Cave Men were being chased by Smilodons…What the Hell do you MEAN you updated my information!?? I woulda thunk that mice woulda made nests out of papers that old…jeeze this was like the late 60’s…

Whatever…
I get all of the electrode thingees taken off again…because the MRI machine is always on and they’re metal ya know…not a good thing to be stuck to the damned thing til Doomsday.
So I get to get all strapped in and processed and one of the tests is supposed to use dye…you’re supposed to say something if you are allergic to shellfish…well I am and so I did. The Nurse that was with me was very nice. She was Chinese and came from Toronto to go to school…and stayed.

But I guess they don’t use the shellfish dyes anymore…so much for me wearing Tyrian purple…so I’m getting my instructions like press the button if you need to come out blah blah…hold breath when we say and all that…

I get some rock so that’s good…get stuffed in…must’ve been the junior sized tube because it was way too tight of a squeeze. My left arm was sorta up on my stomach holding the magic button, and my right arm was half under me…I’m doing okay…ladeedee…Now it’s time to take the deep breaths…oh FUCK me!! The chest plate that they have me sandwiched into BUMPS the top of the tube…OMFG!! You have GOT to be kidding…this thing is too Fucking SMALL! Breath stupid, you’ll be okay…nope…wasn’t working…Deep breath, bump top. Hold breath, bump top…this is fucking ridiculous…now I’m starting to freak…my happy place is way too far away…I ain’t gonna make it…fuck this…now my asthma starts in too…oh joy…I’m pressing the button like I’m gonna smash it flat…I’m a celebrity Get Me OUTTA here!!!

I’m slid out at the pace of glacier…I’m wheezing and ready to run for the hills…I’m unvelcroed and they had to have someone run out and find an inhaler. Which they have to hold onto tightly or it gets sucked into the machine too. I have all sorts of folks running all around. I got about halfway through the whole test which was supposed to be 45 minutes to an hour. I lasted about a half an hour. And my left shoulder with the rotator cuff injury wasn’t helping anything…cuz the position it had been stuck in was killing me. The tech wanted to know if I could continue or if they should just pack it in…I was like I’m done…stick a fork in me…

Of course, I get out and have all the stickers put back on …pfft and there’s a cute guy wearing corduroy pants putting himself back together. Me being me says. “Damn I missed the cute guy stripping for me..” poor kid turned bright red…so the nurse and I go back to the room and wait for me to be taken back to my room. We wind up watching the new Batman movie with Christian Bale and Morgan Freeman…not a bad way to spend some time.

In the meantime Ernie’s been calling the room and I’m not there…we waited soo long for someone to bring me back to the Shapiro Building. I think I got there around 5...dang…missed…But I talked to Ernie and that was good anyways…

More blood more IV’s etc…SSDD…I had a nice commode to use. And I had Ernie get me my hair brush, tooth brush and hair scrunchies/elastics.

Oh yeah I forgot about the really cute blond guy, not that I like blonds all that much, but he was nice and had a Southern Accent…I wanna say Tennessee, but don’t hold me to that either. He gave me a Cardiac Ultrasound…very gentle too…

AND I keep having IV’s moved around…dang…I had one in the crook of my right arm and every time someone tried to take my BP they’d squish the needle…At least I talked them into taking my pressure on my right ankle…

Saturday I wake up with pig fingers…holy crap…I had little sausages…SSDD…man I was eating good though…but the first day I forgot to get milk for my coffee. The second morning I got it, but they forgot my yoghurt. The last day I was there, I asked for milk and didn’t get it…and got ice cream instead of yoghurt oh well…

I was peeing like you wouldn’t believe too…sheesh…I was filling the commode every time I pee’d. One of the nurses smuggled me in a diet Coke…all they had was Pepsi…eek…The food was really good even if it was dietetic. I had Mushroom and Barley soup, Minty Thai Chicken Salad, Hummus and Tabouli with Pita, Spicy Chicken Breast with Moorish Flavouring, Oven Baked Haddock with Romesco Sauce. I had Quinoa Pilaf, Minty Carrots, Roasted Cauliflowers, Green Beans with Rosemary and Lemon Zest, and Veggie Medley which was awesome…For dessert one night, I had a Pineapple Cranberry Twist…AND they gave you a link to the recipes on the menu…drool.

Friday night, I had no palpitations. Nor on Saturday…Sunday on the other hand…they wouldn’t stop…My heart rate was going up to 173 and one time it bottomed out at 8 beats per minute. The palpitations started when I was sitting up. And when I went to pee…Not like I was running a marathon or chasing Hugh Jackman or Adam Lambert around the room..

Sunday, I get the lovely news that I will be having a cardiac ablation on Monday…wonderful…It was supposed to take 2-3 hours…sorta like AAA saying 45 minutes for getting to you…
The Greek doctor came in and told me I couldn’t have anything after midnight…bummer. I shoulda pulled a King Henry the Eighth. LOL

I get taken down, and wait…I brought down the age of the place…and was the only girl there…oy…it was all OLD GUYS!!! Eek!!!!

I think I was there for like an hour getting prepped. They had to shave me…oh joy…I asked if the girl could do my legs and she said that wasn’t included…I said, “Great, I’ll die with Clydesdale ankles…” The girl didn’t think it was funny…

I was watching Law and Order again…talk about predictable…jeeze. I begged to be put completely under. But they said they couldn’t….dammit. I even told them that I had woken up during one…it didn’t matter…They took me into the place and I got shifted onto the operating table. There was a big flat screen that would show where they were working…lovely…I got the anesthetic put in and that was it…I KNOW I felt them working around in there…wasn’t very pleasant…blech…but in revenge I managed to throw up on them…hehe…The doctor who performed the surgery was in the room and some nurses…but Jimmy Hoffa and Elvis coulda been there and I wouldn’t have known it.

I guess Ernie was calling and calling and calling…but I wasn’t done until for like 6 hours…I called Ernie at 12:30 to tell him I was going down, and the doctor called him at 7:30...I don’t remember any of that…I did get food though LOL I only got soup and water…but it was good.

I got sprung on Tuesday afternoon.
And had an appointment with Dr. Koplan on the following Monday. Because of all the scar tissue from the open hearts from way back when, and the connections being so close to the SA, basically the starting point of how the heart beats, the next time this happens I WILL need a pacemaker…and Dr. Landzberg wants me to have my Aortic Valve replaced…we’ll deffo hold off on that for as long as I can.
We had an Indian doctor check me out before Dr. Koplan come in and he says to me, "I don't think you remember me, but I was in your heart..." oh Ick!!!

I guess they had told me all of the info on Monday or Tuesday, but I don’t remember any of it…

So that’s how my April adventures ended…but why is it whenever you look like crap, there’s cute guys coming out of the friggin wood work? It’s so unfair.