Nano 2011~Chapter 5

I got up and started my day even though it was way way WAY before my alarm. I felt rested anyways, surprisingly enough. I let the girls out, and sat in my usual chair with my cup of coffee and muffin. I was rather amazed I wasn’t wasting away because ALL of them were begging...Dang! The Silkie/Cochin was even trying to rappel up my leg. I even tossed a few crumbs to the chipmunk that was sitting on a weathered stump.

After I drained my mug and refilled it, I let the girls stay out. They should be okay if I went inside and took a shower. The window looked out on the backyard in any case. I stripped and turned the water on. I lathered my hair after checking outside once. I rinsed and peeked. Okay, so I was paranoid. I didn’t want Larry helping himself to a free chicken dinner. I would beat the ever-loving SHIT out of him and make him into a fucking coat. If he wouldn’t listen to what his leader said, neither would I.

I repeated as I stood and rinsed off. I used an Apple-y scented shower gel.. It always made me feel nice and spring-y actually. I checked the girls again. The chipmunk was back and seemed like it had brought some friends. I had a mixed flock of songbirds, a couple of robins, a cardinal and a blue jay. I figured my birds were going to be fine.

I found a tank top and some ratty shorts because, except for my walk, I wasn’t going anywhere special. It was going to be in the upper 90’s with way too much humidity. I got my gear together, wondering why I didn’t shower AFTER I walked, but whatever. I told the girls to take care, got in the car, and drove to the park entrance.

They’d open the main gates at 9 so I had a bit of a walk to get to the trails. But that was okay. It was paved like the bike path so there was nothing to it, and it was a good warm up. I locked the car, turned on my music, slung my water bottle in its holder around my body and started. I had my headset around my neck so I could hear if someone snuck up behind me, but could still sing along with the music.

“Come Alive” by the Foo Fighters was playing as the deer man met me at the start of the Scout trail. Interesting synchronicity, I thought.

“Expect to see you, I did not this day.” He said.

“I try to walk almost every day. If I can get out early enough, it’s not too hot and I can go longer.”

I found myself telling him about the doctor’s orders, and that I had actually lost about 40 pounds just by walking every day. “Fine you look to me.” I felt the blood rush to my face. I would never be a lollipop head, thank the Gods. I loved to eat too much. I was fine with my roundness, there was just not so much of it. And I did get winded a lot less. I tripped on a root by not paying attention, but he grabbed me before I got a mouthful of dirt. “Not graceful you are.”

“Understatement. I can trip over my own shadow.”

He gave a quiet laugh, released his iron grip on my waist, and took my hand. It was nice to hold hands with a friend…Wow! That really had never been a part of my life: a friend, a companion…

No one had been good enough for me growing up…so I didn’t have any friends. Once I was on my own, things had changed radically. I partied, I over indulged…but I had booze buddies, acquaintances and work pals rather than friends.

We strolled along the Scout path with its rock walls, ups and downs and bridges. I saw animals that would’ve run and birds that would’ve flown away stay and watch us go by. They cheeped and squeaked greetings to my companion. The deer man just inclined his head, taking his due as the leader of them. A chickadee swooped down and landed on our intertwined fingers. I stopped short and pulled my fingers away from the sharp little talons, but he seemed to listen to the little bird. “Mate that is yours is returned.” Dammit!

“We’re divorced. He’s not mine anymore…I’m not mated to him.” Shit…I was talking like THEY did.

“Not natural he is. Like him, I do not.”

“Me either.” I replied.

“Error of his ways he must be taught.” That didn’t sound good.

“You’re not going to hurt him, are you?”

“Too kind of heart are you, C’hoar Bihan Dorset.” How the Hell he figured out my last name wasn’t even worth going over and I didn‘t know what the other words meant. “Here wait for me you will.” I went back a bit on the trail, found a flat stone and sat. Even if my ex WAS a dick, he didn’t need to be beaten up.

“Will hurt him not he sshall.” I leaned back and almost fell off the rock. Okay, NOW I was listening to a snake. It was a rather LOVELY Garter Snake though and snakes had never given me the willies. “Tham, may I be called.”

“Nice to meet you.” I stuck out my hand as he shimmered into person-ness. That right there shoulda freaked me out and caused me to run to the hills, but I just moved my bum over so that the very skinny, non-blinking man could sit next to me. He shook my hand and his felt just like a snake skin I had touched once. “Run away mosst perssonss would. I am impresssed. Like sserpentss you do?”

“I’m not afraid of you, if that’s your question.”

“Mosst perssonns fear my kind.” I shrugged.

“You’re not too venomous. Why would I?”

The snake man‘s, Tham’s, face, broke into a huge smile. “Our Tigernae hass chossen well. Ass did Mr. Jim."

A blue jay was hanging around, too. “Ssy! To ssee you nice it iss.”

The bird shimmered into a slight woman with jet black hair with white and sapphire blue stripes wearing blue jeans and a black shirt. “I don't know about that, Tham. She is new to us and we are new to her."

We chatted about silly things until the deer man returned. “Sy! Fine family is, presume I.”

She nodded. “Chicks are growing too quickly.”

“Not upsetting you was Tham?”

“I happen to like some snakes.” The serpent man blushed, shimmered, and slithered into the underbrush. Sy, the Blue Jay was next to go, leaving the stag man and myself sitting too closely on the rock.

“Trampled your mate wish I.”

“Yeah he IS a jerk. Did you talk to him as yourself, or as a deer?” Which one was his TRUE form? Shit! Did I really want to know?

“Man to man spoke we.” Oh boy…that must’ve gone over well with my ex. He didn’t like confrontations. He’d run away, then work himself up into a lather to do something stupid later on.

“Goring him might’ve worked better.”

The deer man snorted. “True could be it. You leave alone will now he?” I certainly hoped so.

“I’ve not heard of a deer killing a person here, but I would prefer it wouldn’t be someone I know.”

“Last resort violence is. Use it do not like to I.”

I didn’t like to either. Some circumstances just called for it. Like the assholes who didn’t quite get the message to fuck the Hell off…and to take a large sidestep into the nearest black hole.

“Finish walk you would like with me?” The deer man asked. I still did need to, so I agreed. He reminded me a lot of Mr. Jim and I missed him again…dang. “Why sad you are?”

“I miss Mr. Jim and you reminded me of him.”

“Alike are we?”

“Not really, but somewhat.”

“Natural too he was.”

“He didn’t turn into anything did he?”

The deer man chuckled. “A person just.”

“How do you know if someone’s ‘natural‘?”

“Things many. Animals like. Gardens grow…” That left me off. “Heart kind. Earth love. In you things these are.”

“Even though I’m from the city?”

“Live now here. To you called we. Like you more need we.”

Even with all the hippy dippies jumping on the eco bandwagon, there was still more places that needed saving.

“Are there other places like the park here that have your kind?”

“World all over.” That was good to know. I had read of some of the old Shamans in the rainforest who would die to protect their homes…maybe it just wasn’t their homes…

“Show you day some like to.”

“That would be really nice, thanks.”

“Welcome are you.” Then I thought of how to get a passport to some of those places and how much it would cost…That certainly put a damper on the travel. And I’d need someone to watch the girls who wouldn’t eat them. I couldn’t believe I was even thinking that way…dang!

It was an easy time with the deer man…we walked and talked…it was amazing that I could have a conversation with a person that didn’t involve accounts receivables, accounts payables, IRA’s, or taxation, or how much money they wanted or how long until the next big thing came around the corner and dropped into their laps…

We discussed the weather, whom I had met so far of the people, how they had taken their names…mostly from their Latin names. White tailed deer were Odocoileus Virginianus. He didn’t look like a “Virgil” or an “Odo” or a “Lee” to me…He would have a more “regal” name, I thought. I knew that hawks were “Buteo” but didn’t know the rest of it. Common Garter Snakes were Thamnophis and Blue Jays were Cyanotta, so those made sense for “Tham” and “Cy” to be used as names.

“Thinking hard are you.” I had sort of stopped in the middle of the path while I was going through things in my mind. I really couldn’t do two things at once cuz Gods know I could trip and fall, or walk into a tree because I wasn’t paying any attention. I had almost yanked his arm/leg out of the socket.

“Sorry.” I muttered. “I was trying to figure out what to call you…” He smiled.

“Guess it not you might not easily.” All of a sudden I was reminded of Rumplestiltskin.

“If I guess your name do I get a prize?” He laughed out loud.

“Not I think, C’hoar Bihan Dorset.”

“Damn…”

“Remember I too the tale of weaving straw to gold. Read we all can. Learn did from books we. School went to I. Language yours difficult is.” True, dat. Modern English grabbed words from all sorts of other languages.

“What is your original language since it‘s not English?”

“Brythonic, Gallicum, Frankish called it is these days I remember not.” I’d hafta do some research…because neither of those words sounded familiar to me while the last one did. And it certainly explained the strange wording that he and his people used. And the completely unknown words that he used in front of my last name…hmm.

“Thinking done you are?”

“I guess so.”

“Finish your walk may we, then.” We had gone around the path a couple of times and he escorted me back to my car. My ex, being the swell fellow that he was, scratched swears and epithets into my car’s paint…I swore loud and long. My companion cringed. “Speak like that maouzen should not do…”

“Yeah, well, but look at my car!” I yelled.

“Fix it can not you?”

“Yes. But it still sucks that I’ll need to have to take the time off of work.” I noticed that he didn’t get too close to the cars. I recalled that the Fae didn’t like iron and cars were made of steel which was made from iron…

“Sorry I am suggestion took he not.” I was too…I’d hafta take pictures when I got home. More evidence against my ex. I had hoped that having the stag man talk to him would’ve made a difference, but obviously it hadn’t. It had just gotten him madder. Shit. Back to the police station, I’d go…

I’d hafta go to court, the Officer told me, since the ijit was keeping up the harrassment. I would have to bring everyone who had contact with him in for statements too…How the Hell was I going to stuff a deer in the Tempo, I’d like to know.

I headed on back home with a date to appear. My girls were fine, like I knew they’d be. Since when had I trusted my beloved birds with strangers? But they weren’t really strangers, were they? They were more aptly called neighbours.

I called in and worked for a while. Then I took a break and photographed the graffiti on my car. It would be going right into the shop as soon as I uploaded the pictures and saved them to a disk. At least the repair shop had an opening and my insurance would let me have a loaner for a couple of days. It was a Lime Green Volkswagen Bug…WITH the optional flower…Dollars to donuts, my deer man would try and eat it. I burst out laughing, startling the girls. It felt good to laugh. I almost thought that I had forgotten how.

I finished work, called in, and started dinner again. It was just a salad with tomatoes, and cukes and Italian dressing. I washed the dishes, then went to the park to get another walk in. It was still hot, but the sun was going down. I went to the end of my street, hit the secret path and went in. I went by the thicket where the deer man had grabbed me that one time. I couldn’t tell if anyone was in there because it was so thick. I kept on going, singing along with my songs. It was harder when I was going up the hills, but I did better than I had before. I heard someone coming up behind me and moved to the side of the bike path. “Move too quickly, you do…” panted the Park Person. “Out of shape, I must be…” I stopped and found a bench so he could take a breather. He bent over, rested his longish nailed hands on his knees and gasped some more. I noticed the white stripes in his sleek black hair. I had NEVER seen a skunk in a hurry, so it must’ve been important.

“What’s the problem?”

“Your mate.”

“That God damned sonofabitch!” I snarled.

“I think YOUR tail is up.” the skunk stated with a snicker.

I HAD to laugh. “I guess so. If we need to get there quickly, shouldn’t you sorta “change” and I could carry you? Just let me know where I need to go.”

"They are nearest the Blue Trail by the lake.” The man shimmered into his skunk shape. I plucked him off the bench and we headed that way. Now, I know that skunks stink. They always will. He WASN’T bad smelling at all, which sort of surprised me. He really wasn’t any worse than a ferret which is in the same family. I held him like he was a cat, sort of cuddled in my arms. I took the small shortcut that he pointed out and we were there quickly. My ex had the deer man at the end of the dock against the railing. I dialed 911, while standing in the brush still, and told them that my ex was holding another person hostage at the dock in the pond at gunpoint.

The deer man was speaking quietly, trying to reason with him, but my ex was ranting about how HIS wife didn’t need another man, only needed himself. And that he should stay away from someone else’s property. “Property?!“ I ground my teeth and sorta squozed my furry burden. He squealed at me, and I apologized before settling him on the ground.

I strode over, and yelled. “Hey asshole, why don’t you leave the guy alone?”

He spun and the gun was pointed my way…oh shit! “He fucking started it! Telling me that you could talk to whomever you wanted. You're my WIFE!”

“Oh for the Gods’ sakes, you jackass! You married me for my money and I married you because my mother badgered (no offense, I told the skunk) me into it. You didn’t love me and I sure as Hell didn’t love you. You are a worthless piece of shit! You’re trying to scare me into going back to you, well that’s NEVER going to happen…cuz you’re gonna end up in jail being a bum chum to someone named Rico for stalking me. As for this gentleman here, he has every right to be in the park as I do and not be hunted and assaulted because you have a stupid idea trapped in your fucking empty head…”

He came off the dock and started towards me. “Okay, now what dumbass?” I thought to myself.

“Since I can’t have you, noone else will either!” The deer man gasped at the threat, and the skunk, blending into the shadows raised his tail in alarm.

“That’s the OLDEST line ever, and it’s still bullshit!” I told my ex bravely, watching the gun, and hoping I didn't disgrace myself by shedding my intestinal lining on the ground.

I saw him pulling the trigger in slow mo. My friend shimmered into deer form, barreled towards him, and knocked him flat on his face right in the bulls-eye range of the black and white stinky kitty! Mr. Skunk got him dead centre. The gun barked and all of us jumped. I couldn’t figure out where the bullet went. It was just in time too as the prowl cars pulled up.

“Oh God!” One of the flat foots bawled.

“He’s not going in MY car“ the other one argued.

They called for a "paddy wagon" instead.

“So what happened here?” One cop asked while we waited. The stag man courteously let me talk first.

“You know the fact that my ex has been stalking me, well he thought that this man here was having a torrid love affair with me. We’re not, we’ve only just met and we’ve taken to walking together, but we’re just acquaintances…”

The skunk snickered, and the cops all looked down at the animal.

“Shoved this man when gun turned he on Damzel Dorset and skunk fell over he. Shoot her tried to he!” The stag man told them.

“We got it on the call.” I had specifically left the phone on so that they could get it. “You DID sort of bait him…”

“Well, I didn’t want him to hurt an innocent person.” My deer man looked so innocent that it was painful…

The paddy wagon came in and the crew tossed my ex in the back. He was still gagging and crying and bleeding from a cut lip. “You both will have to come down to the station and make formal statements."

I was okay with that, but my deer man, not so much, but he got into the back of one of the squad cars and tried to get comfortable with all that iron around him. I would take my rent-a-Bug. They took me to the car and I drove to the station once again. It was becoming my home away from home, and I wasn’t really amused about that.

We were taken into separate rooms and quizzed about what had happened. I was sure that they weren’t keen on the coincidence that I was in the right place at the right time to help out. They said that if my ex pressed charges that the deer man could be brought up for assault. Neither of us had thought of that, for sure. It wouldn't have crossed MY mind...

The cops didn’t even want the guy in the holding cell. Not that I blamed them. Another cop took him and cleaned him up and hosed him off, but he still stunk. And even worse, when the gun went off, it had ricocheted off a rock and grazed my deer man! He had been checked out after bleeding a bit on the seat. I guessed the adrenaline rush had made him not feel it. An EMT slapped a bandage on him.

It was very late when we were finally released. At least I didn’t have to take him to the Wildlife Centre. He was given a couple of aspirin for any pain he might have, and to see a real doctor in the next couple of days. I wondered what that might do to his shape shifting abilities.

“Leave at the Park can you me.” he stated when we got nearer my street. “Fine will be I.”

“I’ve read that some of the Fair Folk don’t like iron…Is that from the Milesians defeating the Kelts’ bronze weapons with their own of iron?” I asked, just to know.

He snapped his head around. “Read that too have I. Shape changers moon metal fear…” He snorted. “Codswollop!”

“Yeah, I sorta thought it was bullshit too.”

“Uncomfortable us make, but kill not.” That was nice to know. “Crawling skin caused by iron.” I had that same reaction to Hematite, which was an Iron ore. I also wondered if that was part of the Like Calls to Like deal…

The chain across the gate was still down after the cops had come and gone, so I was able to drive all the way to the Lake itself. I made the loop so that I could head back out once he unfolded himself from the rent-a-bug. He didn’t seem to be in a rush though…

“Afraid of dying, was not I, C‘hoar Bihan. YOU of dying was I.” I felt myself blush. He brushed a kiss onto my temple. “Sleep well.” He shimmered into deer-ness and blended into the woods.

Sleeping well wasn’t on my to-do list for the night. What if he had been killed by my ex? What if HE had killed my ex? What if my ex had killed ME? Who would’ve taken over the secret of the People? Holy Shit! When was it MY business anyway? It was MY business because I had agreed and because I was a “Natural”…fuck me naked.

Nano 2011~Chapter 4

The racket of bird alarm calls and the ba-Gawking of my girls brought me back to reality. I booked it out of the house and into the backyard. I hadn’t even paid attention to anything else because I was lost in thought. Shit! I grabbed a broom, like that would do any good against anything larger than a chipmunk…pfft.

If nothing else, I could sweep up the feathers that were left...The only thing different was the flock of wild birds in the trees around the yard and every one of them was facing the same way. My ex was trying to get into the yard and there was a Blue Jay dive bombing him. I had the police on speed dial and rang them. They were there within minutes. The bird hadn’t let him get away…it kept him pinned against the hotwire. At least I could hope that he'd make himself extra crispy the way he was yelping.

After he had been cuffed and stuffed, I turned to check on the girls and the wild birds. My girls were still there, staring out the gate at the most recent source of amusement, but the wild ones had flown the coop so to speak. I looked up and there was a single blue jay watching me. With nothing else to lose, I thanked the crow in a blue pin striped suit. It cocked it’s head at me, like it had understood, and flew off. The girls were all talking amongst themselves, but they were all fine.

We trooped into the house and I sat and played some puzzles on a game site…I kept losing to the computer…oh well. At least it was a free site and I wasn’t losing any real money. Not that I didn’t have enough to lose a couple of hundred, but that would be assinine.

I made myself some lunch. I don’t have a clue what it even was. The girls wanted to get back outside because it was nice and they wanted to wallow…parts of my yard resembled moonscapes…but they enjoyed themselves. I went and checked the mail in the box. There was a letter with no address or postage on it. The writing was extremely fancy, like it was torn from a page of the Book of Kells The spelling was archaic…but I was able to figure it out. It read that “The People” needed some supplies, and that since Mr. Jim had thought enough of me to trust that I would keep their secret…if I could get some food items for them…

I had seen Mr. Jim bring lots of bags into his house a few times since I had been there and I KNEW that he couldn’t eat it all himself. He must’ve been buying for the strange people from the funeral. That was the reason why he had such a huge garden! Duh! It hadn’t been just for him; they had been taking some too…

I then wondered how long these “People” had been living in the park and how many “Natural” people had helped them out over the years. I was instructed by the note to just leave the bags at the back of the yard. Someone would come for them.

I was reluctant because I was afraid that someone would see the pick up, or wild animals would take the stuff, or they might get hurt on the hotwire, but I couldn’t turn it off because my girls needed that protection…maybe they wouldn’t…I’d hafta think about that…I thought about how many times I had fed the wild birds and finally convinced myself that this really couldn’t be too much different. I’d do it this once, and see what happened. I gave them that reply on the back of THEIR note, placing it in a small indentation in the trunk of one of the sycamores out in the back yard. Pretty soon I saw a squirrel make off with it. I could only hope that it wasn’t taking it for nesting material.

Going through the rest of the mail, I found that my divorce was finally final! Yays!!! It was a great feeling to not be married anymore. Well, at least not to my ex…Maybe I’d find “Mr. Right” instead of “Mr. He’s just perfect for you…you gotta marry him and give me grandkids before you‘re too old…My friends will be so proud…” I ground my teeth. Fuck that! I’d rather “live in sin” and be happy than be trapped like that again. Maybe I could find a young lover for every day of the week and two for Saturday. I'd have alot to learn though...wonder if they'd mind if I took notes...

There were a few bills to be paid, which I did. My electric and water were negligible because I used rain water for my unsuccessful gardening attempts, and except for fans and the laptop and the TV on occasion and the usual appliances, I lived pretty simply. The girls had their own fans in the summer and a baseboard heater that came with the house in the winter, but I would only use it on the rare January days when their water froze over. My pay was direct deposited and I could even track it online. Yeah, I know, I was a completely wired individual these days. But I was happy, contented even, and that was what really mattered.

I decided that I needed to continue the walk that had been so rudely interrupted by my ex. I left the fan on, and the girls with the radio going. I drove to the parking lot and turned on my MP3 player. It wasn’t too crowded because it was hot and sticky, but if I stayed on the nature trails, I should be okay. Then I had to choose which trail I wanted to do…Green had all the plants and trees. Scout was rocky and hilly and rather hard so that was definitely out. Blue took you down to the Lake, so that was a possibility. Purple was flowers and butterflies and the big meadow…hmm…Decisions, decisions…

Dark and shady made the choice for me. I took the Blue path and then would hit the Green where they met. I got almost all the way through, then had to stop for a break. Sweat was just pouring off me and I wanted to kick myself for not finishing up in the morning…I sat on a bench in the little glade they called the Chapel in the Woods. I never knew of anyone being married there, but whatever…I stared out at the pond watching the Swans and the Geese and the Ducks paddling around, drinking my bottle of water. I heard a chittering next to me, but didn’t turn to look. There were chipmunks galore this summer…You couldn’t swing a cat by the tail without hitting a dozen…I DID finally look when there was a small one tugging at the hem of my shorts, looking up at me with a piece of paper in it’s paws…The hair on the back of my neck stood up and I twisted my head all around to see if anyone was near. Thank the Gods, noone was. It was a reply to MY reply. It would be fine, the missive said. And that they would be sending me a list. Okay, I told the Gerbil with Racing Stripes. Dear Gods, a messenger Chipmunk, who the Hell woulda thunkit?

I sat for a couple more minutes. I knew that there was a Deer-man, a Bird-woman or two, and a chipmunk person…It just didn’t seem real…Maybe in some Charles DeLint Newford story, but to me?!! Hell NO!!! I was a realist, a cynic, level headed as a friggin’ rock!! WHY was this happening to me? Had I done something wrong? Or was it because I was finally doing something RIGHT?!!! Shit…That thought would be mulled over for quite a while.

I headed back to the car. There was a piece of paper under the windshield wiper. I took it and checked out the “People’s” shopping list. It was pretty simple. Salt, Pepper, Milk, Eggs, Bread, Peanut Butter. Some vegetables too. Rice, Pasta…necessary things…What did I expect: a salt lick and some Purina whomever Chow? I guessed it could go either way. A raccoon waved it’s hand in farewell as I got into the Tempo. I just shook my head. I wished I had someone to talk to about this. Mr. Jim would’ve understood. I sighed…That is probably why I was “allowed” into his inner circle…I guess like really DID call to like…I had always been an "earthy" person, more comfortable digging in the dirt, being outside, working in the yard and all of that non-girly stuff…

I went home, made myself and the girls some supper. I washed the dishes and set up the coffee machine for the next day. I then headed out to the market. I took the list with me and bought what was on it for my otherworldly neighbours in the park. The amount wasn’t staggering, just larger than I usually got. Their other source of outside help was gone and I had nothing to fear from them. Well, that was a shock right there…I guess I really didn’t. Even the deer man had helped me get away from my ex…scared the shit out of me doing it, but he HAD helped me.

It took a few trips to get all the bags in from the car, then into the Igloo Ice chest that I had snagged from Mr. Jim’s. I had never seen him use it, so I presumed that his “People” were the ones who benefited from it. I filled it with ice and added the milk and butter. Since all my girls were laying except for the Silkie/Cochin ninny, I had a couple of dozen eggs to give away. I marked that down on the paper.

I put it out by the corner of the backyard, where the fence, and the small open patch before actual woods started, met. I really wanted to see the pick up but decided against it. The girls had put themselves to bed, while I sat and tried to read. It didn’t hold my interest. Neither did the baseball games, or even playing on the computer.Finally, I said "Fuck it" and went to bed.

I was woken by tapping outside the window. “You have GOT to be kidding!” I groused. The sun was out, but that was no reason to be up yet…the alarm hadn’t even gone off! The tapping got louder and moved to the glass. I flew to the window, startling the yellow spotted woodpecker with the red lipstick(beakstick?) smears on the sides of it’s face. “What?!” I yelled. It cocked it’s head at me and stuck out it’s tongue before leaving a note on the sill, and flying off.

I took the paper and turned on the coffee. There was still an hour of rack time before I was sposta be up…ugh. I read the note while incinerating my taste buds.It simply read, "We Thank You. And your birds for their eggs." Shit! I was ashamed of myself. I had no good reason to snap at anyone BUT myself. I was more than tempted to check into the White Jacket Hotel once again or at least head back into the wilds of the city. But who’s to say there weren’t people posing as animals, or was that the other way around, there too? Time for more coffee before I got into THAT philosophical discussion with myself. I let the girls out to roam and do chicken stuff. Then I wondered if THEY were people in bird suits too. I reached for the phone, ready to dial 911, and have myself committed for an extended stay…

I usually didn’t let the girls stay out when I wasn’t there, but I figured that they’d be safe enough, if the “Park People” were keeping an eyeball out for them. I crossed my fingers.

I went to the path I where I had started yesterday. I was basically tiptoeing around it. That made me mad enough to see blood! Would I have to be afraid of that fucking idiot that I had married and divorced for the rest of my life?!! He probably hadn’t even gotten bailed out yet. I went around the trail and onto the bike path so fast, I was amazed that I didn’t leave flaming sneaker prints. I didn’t hear anything over the pounding of my heart, and the slap of my feet against the road. When my legs reminded me that they weren’t meant for the Death March of Bataan, and started to cramp, I had to practically crawl to a bench to rest. I sucked down some water from my bottle, wishing that the lake was closer. Dipping my feet in the cool, snapping turtle infested water wouldn’t have hurt too much more at the moment.

I felt a presence behind me, but didn’t turn. I didn’t need to as the deer-man sat next to me on the bench. I looked towards the ground expecting to see hooves. He wiggled his perfectly normal looking toes and his chuckle made me snap my gaze up to his brown eyes. When they say that someone had doe eyes I knew what they meant finally…They were a rich brown somewhere between a Hershey’s chocolate bar and a Special Dark bar and had the gentlest of expressions. He was wearing brown sandals and cargo shorts and a plain v neck t-shirt. He looked like any of the denizens of my new hometown. I guess that’s what they could do if they had to. I just had to examine him again. His hair was short and a reddish brown color. “Know wish to search for antlers you do.” He said in a low toned, quiet voice. “I have them not in this form. Nor hooves nor a tail.” I wasn’t going to check out his ass to make sure. “Thank you I helping us for. Appreciative my people of your kindness are.”

“You’re welcome.” I replied. Of course, I had a million and one OTHER things to say that weren’t as polite, but were nosy and invasive, but I HAD sorta just met him.

“How many of there ARE you?” I finally asked, after looking him over thoroughly again.

“Not as many as once there was, I fear. In our other forms we’re more like as not to hunted be, or house pets by killed, or automobiles.” I cringed, thinking of werewolves that changed back to human when they died. That would really muck up someone’s day…”But Officer, I really DID hit a chipmunk…I woulda known if I hit a naked person…” “Tell it to the Judge buddy…”

“Are you like the King or something?”

“No, selected was I for position of leader for a year and a day…no one else has spoken up so am I still.”

“How long’s it been then?” I could see him thinking hard.

“20 Seasons. Ponder I.”

“20 Years?!” I yelped.

“No, Seasons-cold, green, hot, red.” Ahh. Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall, duh.

“Oh…like 5 years then.”

“As you say.”

“How’d you meet Mr. Jim?”

“As you did us…”

“How do you pick who’s going to help you?”

“More is it that each other find we…”

His speech was archaic, almost Yoda-like…but I could figure it out…I HAD read Beowulf in the Old English and the Volsunga Saga in Icelandic, and The Canterbury Tales in Middle English. That’s not even taking into account the Egyptian Hieroglyphics, and the language of the Mayans and Aztecs. Some things just stay with you, I guess. My mother had never read Fairy Tales because they would twist your mind so that you saw things behind every tree (like wtf was wrong with that?) or Winnie the Pooh with the talking animals or Old Mother West Wind or almost anything that would make a child interested in nature and the world around them. Dull dull dull things like Dickens’ Great Expectations, Bronte’s Wuthering Heights. I brought a sappy romance home one time from the library and I had to take it back because she didn’t approve of it.

“Can you leave the park? Like go other places?” Well, that was a stupid question because they came to Mr. Jim’s funeral, and to my house. “Never mind…I know the answer.”

“For a short time might we leave…not away for weeks or months…Longest was five days once. Caught and caged was I.” The anger in his voice made me want to comfort him. I put my hand on his arm, involuntarily.

“I am sorry.”

He looked down at the place where we connected. “Touched we are not…hmm.” His eyes flicked to mine quickly. I moved to pull it back, but he held it there with his free hand. “Missed this have I, ponder I.”

When a crow flew over and called, he abruptly slid away on the bench, moving his arm away like he was guilty of a crime.

“Don’t tell me…That’s your girlfriend.” I joked.

“No. Mated to her not am I .” I was sorta relieved. “A mate yet have not do I.” I was even more relieved…but what was I thinking?! I just got my divorce in the mail. I was sitting like a sweating lump of jello near a guy that could change into a deer…wtf?

I stood. “I have to get back to my girls and get some work done…Nice talking with you.”

“Walk with you might I to trail, then?” No skin off my nose, I thought.

He moved with light deer-like steps(duh) while I felt like an elephant wearing platform clogs…sheesh. We got there quicker than I thought possible. He held the bramble aside so I could go through without getting scratched. “Again may I see you?”

“I DO come here often…”

He smiled a dazzling smile, lifted a hand in farewell, and I headed home. I went straight to the back yard and there was a hawk eyeballing my girls. The brazen thing was sitting right on a fence post. They were all huddling en masse under the Brahma whos hackles were all out. I marched over to the bird of prey who didn’t move except to look down its beak at me. “I am NOT after your King. All we did was talk, so don’t be a jealous bitch!” I turned and ushered the girls back inside.

Within a few seconds there was a knock at the front door. There was a thin twenty something man with long arms standing on the top step. He had a well trimmed beard with tinges of red in his hair. “Jealous, not am I. Female dog, most assuredly not. With the stag mated, No.” I didn’t know whether to shit or offer him a mouse. My Brahma was all flared out, just like she had been when the hawk was watching them out back. All he had to do was drool at one and I would let her loose on him. Another hawk stooped and shimmered. Oh ferfucksakes… She shook her dyed red shoulder length hair and examined my flock. “Good to eat nothing here, Bo. And hers they are.” I saw one of the new neighbours gawking at my company because I really didn’t have any.

“JW’s” I said, waving and wearing a big fake smile.

“Your birds watch shall we.” The hawk man named Bo stated.

“Not too closely, I hope.” I shot back.

“Food they are not. Yours they are.”

“Delicious eggs were.” The female said. “Off we must be.” With another shimmer, both were back to hawks and flying off.

I took a shower, then called in and started to work. I worked through lunch even with the pecking, biting, clucking, and climbing up my legs…They HAD food and water in their bowls…sheesh. I finished at the usual time, called in, and started dinner glad I had never had a taste for venison. We had Suddenly Salad because it was too hot to cook much and I added some fake beef (Can’t call it chicken with them staring at me) and corn on the cob.

I let the girls out again just in time to see a grey-brown dog stop short as it spotted us. “If you are one of the People, let me know, or I’ll clobber you and wear your tail as an pendant.” I reached behind me for the aluminum baseball bat that I bought for such a contingency and advanced toward the coyotl (that IS the correct spelling from Nahuatl) From out of the corner of my eye, I saw a buck clear the electric fence without breaking a stride and get between me and the canine. The coyotl sat, then both shimmered into people shape. The coyotl still LOOKED like a coyotl with a long sharp nose and shifty eyes.

“Larry! Keep away told you were.”

“Looking just was I. Curious was I.”

The deer man snorted. “Food they are not.”

“Tail mine thou would wear, Cihuatecuhtli(The Lady in Nahuatl)” He turned his yellow eyes to me. No wonder they wore sunglasses and hats. “Hmmph” He scoffed. “Attempt it, then.” I was more than up for the challenge, and raised the bat in a stance that would‘ve made Albert Pujols proud.

The deer man stepped in front of me again. “This allow shall not I. Hurt him not you will.” Shit. I lowered the bat.

“He goes after my birds, I’ll flatten his ass. I don’t care WHAT you say.” I told the deer man.

“Heard the lady did you not?” He stated. The coyotl shimmered and scampered away.

“He was full of shit, wasn’t he? He was going to try and eat my birds.”

The deer man shrugged. “He is Coyote.” In most American mythologies, Coyotl was just like Wile E. Coyote. Too smart for his own good and all his plans blew up in his face.

“I met a couple of Red Tailed Hawks this morning, too.” I commented to keep talking to him.

“Jamaica and Bo. Good that is. Mates they are and heart friends to mineself.”

“Do all of you have names?” He nodded, but ignored my prompting look.

Ahh, a stag man of mystery…”Well enough I know you not.” I could understand that. At least I knew three of them: Jamaica and Bo the Redtails and Larry the Coyote.

“Comfortable, now are they.” He indicated my girls grazing on the lawn. The Silkie/Cochin wandered over and pecked at his ankle. He scooped her up and scratched her neck right at where the back of her little comb attached…I could almost see her melt. Then I had the most unexpected thought of how his touch would be with me. Eek!! There were things to take care of that if that was what I wanted: Craiglist, the internet, and items that came in brown wrapped packages…

He placed her gently back on the ground and she toddled her fuzzy butt off to the others. Out of all of them she was the most approachable and she had balls of brass. It was rather like the little yippy dog that took on a Rottie and won.

He shimmered into deer shape and bounced over the fence and was gone into the woods. At least he could’ve said “Good night.” I sat in my usual chair and watched the girls do chicken stuff until the mosquitoes were getting aggravating. The girls wended their ways back into the house and settled down for the night. I sat on the couch with the light on low, just listening to the cicadas buzz and the moths bashing against the screens. I thought I heard hooves on the street, but figured I was just playing tricks on myself. I finally went off to bed and fell deeply asleep.

Since Mr. Jim’s funeral I had been having dreams that were so odd, so strange, yet comforting in some way. Last night was no different. It looked like I was in a fairy court. Didn’t I mention I was a voracious reader too, since growing up and I could read what I wanted? I still try to read some of the new novels that come out. I loved mythology too. My Edith Hamilton’s are quite ragged and dog eared.

I was welcomed as a long lost friend. I was hugged and passed along like a potato until I was at the foot of the steps of a wooden dais. There was a King on the throne. His crown perched precariously between his huge rack of antlers. The Queen’s throne beside him was empty and he beckoned me forward. I only took a couple of steps when my ex stopped my progress by waving a gun in my face. The whole scene popped out of existence and I was standing at the entrance to the Park. I woke myself completely up.

That was the first time I had had THAT one and I was pissed off again that my ex intruded into even my dreams. Dammit!

Nano 2011~Chapter 3

After all was said and done, Mr. Jim's family sold his house and other people started to move in…young families mostly with bratty spoiled kids.It seemed as if he had been the glue that held the neighbourhood all together. And I missed my friend way too much. I had only known him for a few short months and I felt as if I had lost a much beloved family member…

The new people were clueless, letting their dogs and kids run amok. I would wind up being the old bag who would yell at them to “Get off my lawn!” and pump the shotgun, or be the wicked witch in the haunted house. I didn’t care. I left notes on their cars and bags of poop on their doorsteps. I picked up after my birds, I didn’t see why others couldn’t pick up after their dogs. They’d park wherever the Hell they wanted even if it was right across from my driveway so *I* couldn’t get out if I had to. They’d have all night pool parties and I hated to leave the house in case one of them got out of hand, an ijit got into the yard, and hurt my girls. I actually busted one bonehead climbing over the fence, zapping his gonads in the process because he had lost their football in my yard. The Brahma ran right up with her hackles flared and pecked his ankle HARD…when she went to spur him, I grabbed her. Then I tossed the ball over. It had some beak marks in it. Oh well. Not my problem. I told him the hot wire was always on and next time come around to the front door and ask…he limped away, grumbling, and bleeding from the chicken's bite. All his buddies were laughing at his predicament.

When the cats tried chasing my girls or snatching birds off the feeders, out came the good old green garden hose on full jet. *I* was a good neighbour. The others weren’t. I got in touch with Animal Control and he told me I was in my rights to SSS: Shoot, Shovel, Shut Up…I asked if it was applicable to the owners…he snickered, but said that was the homicide dept and not his. Dang. At least he was on my side, and issued citations left and right to the idiots. One dog, a dopey dipstick of a Designer dog (they were Mutts when I grew up) called a Dalmatian Pointer that the owners bragged that they had paid a tonne of money for insisted on chasing cars: except for mine. I stopped suddenly and he ran into the back of it. I couldn’t help it if a figment chose that very second to hop off the sidewalk and cross the street in front of me, and I didn’t want to smoosh it. Now, don’t get me wrong: I LIKE animals, well trained, well taken care of, cherished pets. Once they’re running loose, they’re predators and I refused to back down. Once again, I called the dog officer. He came out and issued a citation for an unleashed dog. In front of the “owners” he asked if I wanted to file charges for damage to my car. Slobber was the only actual damage. The blockhead of a dog was fine. And I was now on the neighbour’s shit list. If they couldn’t control their animal, it wasn’t my fault. They KNEW he roamed the neighbourhood, chased the cars, treed cats, raccoons and foxes, and stole food off grills. And they didn’t do anything. But, at the very least, he stopped chasing MY car.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t do that with my ex. I would be in jail, like that lady in Florida who ran over her cheating hubby like he was a friggin' speed bump. They caught it all on tape too! He was still being an annoying pain in the ass. He left a message on my machine that he was looking to move into a house nearby and wanted to know if I knew of any that might be for sale. I didn’t answer and deleted the message. Like I wanted him anywhere near me?! Hell, even Pluto would’ve been too close. A one-way ticket to the International Space Station might’ve been in order.

He even started following me on my walks, when I started exercising again. The first couple of times, I was crying too hard to make it even half way, curling up on one of the scattered benches or finding a convenient log. At least I could pass off the runny nose and red eyes on allergies. That was my ME time and he was NOT going to muck it up! I called the cops on my cell, but they couldn’t do anything because it was a public park. Shit! Of course, being a fat tub of lard, he didn’t get too far. Every time I saw a different animal, or heard a new birdsong, I wanted to tell Mr. Jim. And he wasn’t there. But I did it anyways. Okay…so the other walkers thought I was nuttier than the proverbial single fruitcake passed 'round the world…

One morning, before it got really and truly hot and muggy, I went for my usual walk. I had my water bottle, my eclectic music selections ranging from System of a Down, Serj Tankian, and Scars on Broadway to The Who, Apocalyptica, Iron Maiden, Three Days Grace, Deep Purple, The Moody Blues…well, you get the picture; and my cell phone and digital camera. I was putting together a scrapbook of all the things I saw when I walked and I was going to self-publish it and dedicate it to Mr. Jim. I was on the bike path heading back to the car, when I saw it: a white tailed deer with a set of antlers that would make a hunter make a wet spot, standing quietly in the small space between the bike path and the Scout Nature Trail like it had been waiting for me…Wow!! It was the first one I had seen in the park…and it was a once-in-a-life-time picture. It let me snap more photos than I thought possible for a wild animal. Other walkers flowed around me without stopping as if I was a rock in a stream. How sad for them! They didn’t even SEE the beautiful animal. It let me get so close that I had to wonder if it hadn’t been someone’s pet and released into the wild…I reached my hand out to touch the velvety nose. It snorted and flapped it’s tail before bounding off…it hadn’t moved for any of the other people rushing by and I knew who it was…my stupid ex!!!

“Gods Dammit!” I yelled.

“It was only a dumb animal.” he panted. He had obviously been trying to follow me. Depending on what I wanted to do for the day, I could make the whole bike path anytime between and hour and a half to ¾ of an hour. I was doing the fast one, which I had stopped short when I saw the deer. I put the headphones back on and started my walking again. I was able to tune him out and leave him in my dust as I continued, but he had ruined the nice feeling I had had having such a close encounter with the woodland critter.

I went straight home, hugged all my girls, and took a shower to get rid of the ex germs. I still had trouble getting over the deer acting so tame…I wondered if they got rabies…I looked it up and found out that they didn’t usually, but I wasn’t terribly reassured.

I called my boss, then settled down to work, and things went along fine. I took my lunch break, letting the girls roam the yard. I rounded them back up, and started working again. 5 o’clock came, I called into work and told her I was done for the day. I made dinner for us. The girls put themselves to bed and then it was my turn.

I had just settled in with a good book and was all comfy in front of the fan, when the phone rang. I had caller ID, but this one was an unknown #. I answered it and I could barely understand what the caller was saying. The receiver sounded like it was being passed from person to person and they were learning English from a language that didn’t even have 12 letters, let alone 20+ and the syntax and grammar were screwy too. It was a very stilted conversation reminding me of the odd crowd at Mr. Jim's funeral and I had to have them repeat themselves too many times. Finally, I got a “goodbye.” Well, at least that’s what I thought it was. I hung up wondering what the Hell had just happened, looking at the phone like it had connected me with the Twilight Zone and I was waiting for Rod Serling's voice over. I looked at the clock and realized I had been helping the ESL class for almost an hour. I was even more tired than I should’ve been, hardly able to keep my eyelids open. I turned off the light and rolled over.

I tossed and turned, flipped and spun, instead of having a restful night's sleep. I kept dreaming of that strange group from the funeral and of creatures that could’ve come right from Greek, Egyptian, Assyrian, and other ancient mythologies that were part people/part animals…

I shook the cobwebs away when the alarm went off, actually wanting to pitch the clock radio straight out the window, like a Nolan Ryan fastball. I dressed, turned on the coffee, let the girls out, then ate breakfast. Cold cereal with milk for me and layer pellets for them, with no milk, because chickens are lactose intolerant.You don't wanna know what milk does to their systems cuz it ain't pretty, neither is cleaning feathery behinds which I learnt from experience.

I really didn’t feel like doing my walk yet, so I attempted working instead. I kept looking at the clock, and after a half hour of doing nothing but drumming my fingers on the keyboard, I gave up. I got the girls back inside and instead of driving to the park, I decided to take the hidden path. It was still warm, but not stew in your own juices hot yet, and it would warm my legs up a bit for the hills that came up later.

The path was only a few 100 yards long, but it was shady and cool. I was glad I had taken a sweatshirt. I could tie it around my waist when I started sweating as I kept walking. I was near where it came out into the bike path when a hand grabbed me and yanked me into a thicket in the Big Meadow. I struggled, but couldn’t get away, the person was way too strong. I was really scared, recalling that a while back some women had been mugged when they walked. But the body of the person holding me had an almost calming aura. We hunkered down as footsteps clomped by. I caught a whiff of the Old Spice Lime cologne that my ex used…he probably bathed in the stuff. He was cursing as he blundered by. Unfortunately the cologne made my allergies act up as usual. I tried valiantly to stifle the sneeze I felt coming, but I was unable to. Dammit! I was pushed farther into the thicket and into the care of another set of arms that could’ve lifted a semi…what the Hell?! I KNEW that I was awake. I pinched myself to be sure and it hurt. The original person that had pulled me into the bushes had now gone and in exact spot was a White Tailed Deer! I wondered what drugs my mother had done in the late 60's-early 70’s to cause me to be seeing such weird shit so many years later.

The deer sproinged out of the bushes and almost landed on top of my ex. I saw the gleam of a gun in his hand as he tried to avoid the collision. How the Hell did he get that? But then I figured that one of his skanks dujour knew someone who knew someone…What he was going to do with the gun was pretty obvious. Like I had said before, I had read enough Ann Rule books…Maybe the lazy scum sucker had taken out an insurance policy on me and was trying to collect! There was sposta be no guns, bow hunting, drinking, loose dogs, etc in the park, but people ignored half of those rules…

When the deer-man came back, after what seemed to be a day or so, but was really only like a half hour, he said that I could go now safely. Well, thanks for that I said. I glanced at the person behind me, and she blinked. I saw a third eyelid, like my girls had. Okay...so she was a bird in the off season…that would explain the strong arms reasonably well: she’d need them to fly around.

I was too tempted to head right off to the packy, then call the nearest loony bin to see if they had an opening in a nice, safe, padded room.

I walked home somehow, gathered my girls, and pulled the covers over my head. This was just too much for my mind to have to deal with…

When the phone started ringing, I just let it go to the machine…I wasn’t in the mood. I finally got out of bed when I heard my boss’ frantic voice on the tape. Shit!!! I dialed my work and she was almost out of her mind. How could I tell her what had happened? SHE’D put me in the nuthouse in a second! I just told her that I saw my ex and he had a gun and I was afraid he was going to use it, so I was hiding…true enough…I was hidden under mounds of feathers, sharp beaks, wicked talons and pointy spurs.

She suggested that I call the cops. I had thought about that, but didn’t want to stir the pot too much with my ex. Especially now I knew that he was armed…I think that finally scared me…I put my sandals back on, hugged and kissed each of the girls and went straight to the PD where I swore out a formal complaint against my ex for stalking and that he was packing…Because I had seen the gun in actuality, they could pick him up if he didn’t have a permit for it. I rather doubted that he did because that would’ve cost him money. Hell, I made it easy for them too…I gave them the address of my old apartment in town!

I went home again, made sure all the windows were locked and checked the cellar for lurkers. Thankfully there was nothing but spiders, house centipedes and boxes.

I redialed work, got my boss and let her know what was up. There would be patrols a couple of times a shift to make sure I was okay.

I did a little bit of work, but I kept making mistakes because my brain was back with the deer-man and the bird-woman. When the latest job was sent back for the third time, I called in and gave up for the day.

Nano 2011~Chapter 2

He tried to reach for my hand to hold it, but I drew it back like his were armed mouse traps. I didn’t want him to touch me…EVER…again. He told me that he still loved me, and was actively looking for work. More lies. My sources said that he never left the apartment, not even for food. I didn’t even want to see what science projects were underway in the fridge. I was afraid they might attack. It took him over an HOUR to sign in 5 places! He was complaining too much. My back-up kept poking his head around the door. Well, I had promised him food after I was done.

I left the stick pen, the paper towels I sat on, and only took the plastic bag I had put the papers in. I didn’t want to contaminate the car with any microbes that I might’ve picked up. The first order of business was to feed my companion; after that, the lawyer, then the hazmat team would be called to take off my first two layers of epidermis.

It was a no contest divorce. He was getting every single thing that he put into the marriage, which was absolutely NOTHING!!! And that’s what I told the judge when we appeared before her. When my lawyer introduced my ledger into evidence, you could’ve heard a feather drop. I had to struggle to keep the smug grin off my face. He was screwed and even his public defender knew it. But to be fair, the judge ordered that he would get a month’s rent of the apartment and $1,000 for alimony for each year we were married. $10K and $1,200 rent were fine. I had it and could write out a check right there, if that would be okay? But could I have a receipt? Please?

The judge snickered, but turned it into a cough, pronounced us divorced and that it would be final in 90 days. I could’ve danced out of the court room on the ceiling. My mother decided it would behoove her to make an appearance…of course, the divorce was MY fault because I didn’t “support” my husband…if I never saw the old hag again I would be very happy. She sat her bony ass on HIS side of the courtroom: that told me everything I needed to know. She was bending his ear as I exited. I had never given HER money, except for the excessive rent she had me pay when I started working and before I moved out, and just sent 2-for-a-dollar bday/sMother’s day cards to her. As much as she had tried to make me into her milquetoast/wishy-washy/don’t make waves image growing up, it just made me more stubborn, obstinate, pigheaded, bullheaded, mulish…well, you get the picture. I would never ever BE her, NOR her little puppet any longer. I wasn’t a dumb teenager. I was 30+ years old! I knew what I was doing, where I was going, and what I wanted to do with my life.

The end!

Take it or leave it!

Don’t let the screen door hit you on the ass on the way out!

My way or the Highway!

I wrote out the "Good Frickin Riddance to Bad Rubbish" check,took the receipt and off I went on my merry little free from the sponge (no offense to sponges) way. Go me!

I had been renting a little studio apartment, and had my furniture in storage. Unfortunately, my ex got the idea that I was stalking material. He’d “hide” in his shit box of a car, which you could hear 5 miles before you saw the loud orange colour. It was his pride and joy…I STILL have no idea why. If I had ever seen him having sex with the tail pipe, it probably wouldn’t have surprised me in the least. He could be found lurking outside work, my apartment, or in the grocery store aisles. One time he even tried to follow me into a dressing room at my favourite department store! At which point I had him carted off by the local cops and slapped with a TRO. Then it was the incessant phone calls. And the letters, sometimes 2 or 3 at a time, proclaiming undying love. There was no way that he could love anyone if he didn't get the hint that I didn't wanna have anything more to do with him, the dumb-ass. I put a trap and trace on the phone, and opened the letters with white gloves and put them in Ziploc bags in a box. Security at work was informed not to let him in, and my boss was very good at staggering my hours, and having someone escort me to the garage when I left.

I finally sat down with my boss, and asked for a leave of absence. Having that dipstick following me all over was too much of a distraction, and it wasn’t really making the firm look good to have it’s name in the police blotters every other week. It was sadly given, with lotsa hugs and good lucks tossed my way by my fellow cube rats. I cleared out my closet of an office. I was waylaid by my boss who said that I could continue to work from home and would lend me a neato laptop to use. I’m amazed my eyeballs didn’t fall out and roll around on the floor…The only stipulation was that I would just have to check in at least once a day so that she would know I was okay.

Security helped my out to the car with my stuff, and there was the asshat…figured. I waved sweetly, then flipped him off. When he saw me with the muscle, he took off. I made my way back to the apartment. My ex was parked outside almost as soon as I got there. It was deffo time to relocate. I took another picture of him and Moby Orange…I had stacks. LeSigh…

I set up the laptop and since my place came with wifi, I started to look for houses, farther away from the city. There were a few I had to look up. If I didn’t know the names they were either out in West Bumblefuck or South Jesus.

I found a likely looking bedroom community that sounded interesting. It was sorta halfway between two of the big cities. That was doable. There were buses, commuter rail, and easy access to the major roads, so I didn’t have to drive into town if I didn’t want to rack up the miles on Ye Olde Tempo.

Just to keep said AssHat on his toes, I continued to act as if I was going to work. I’d run a yellow light, and he’d be stuck at the red…hehe Yeah, very juvenile of me, but it was fun.

The packing was pretty easy because there wasn’t much that I hadn’t put in storage. I had a desk, my bed, some towels, dishes, rudimentary items like that.

I put a bid in on a place which was on a dead end street off a side street off another side street. I had my trusty stack of internet directions to help me find it. It was a lovely little bungalow at the end of the street where it stopped abruptly at some woods. It needed some paint on the trim, but it would be all mine from the uneven back yard to the original piebald front door.

One of my new neighbours introduced himself, bringing over a jar of honey from his hives…mmm. He was also a pissah gardener. I had free rein to visit and we got to be very good friends. He was like the neighourhood watch all by himself. He knew who belonged, and who didn’t. And it was a good thing too…that sonuvabitch ex found me again! He put a tracker somewhere on the car…grr. But I found it and tossed it in the trash.

He parked in front of the house…I ignored him.

He knocked on the door…I ignored him.

He tried getting in…I called the cops.

I was really getting sick of it all and it was causing all sorts of health problems for me. Especially the day that it felt like a volcano went off in my head, and I was flopping around the floor like a landed fish. I was hoping that I would be found before my liver was eaten and my eyeballs were gobbled like grapes by the chickens. I called Mr. Jim. He called an ambulance for me and would look after the girls.

Well, after a lovely weekend spent in two different hospitals, numerous tests, enough blood taken to keep Elizabeth Bathory swimming lapd, and some amazingly wonderful chow, if you could believe it, I was diagnosed with a fucked up heart beat…how lovely…and I had never had any signs up until now…they stuffed a pacemaker/defibrillator in for shits and giggles. Wasn’t that nice? I would be stuck at home for 4-6 weeks, unable to drive or do much else physically…The only redeeming part of that was that I wasn’t harassed by my ex for a whole weekend. Woohoo!!

All the neighbours brought food, did some shopping, and laundry for me…It was wonderful! Except for the circumstances, I coulda been the Queen of Sheba. After a follow up exam, I was cleared to drive, and informed that I needed to build my strength back up and to lose some weight. That's where I started this story. I asked if I could just mail it somewhere with no forwarding address. Have I mentioned that doctors have no sense of humour? Running was thought of, but quickly cast aside…I don’t run ANYWHERE! Unless maybe there’s a big bear behind me, or a very cute guy in front of me. Walking was suggested as an alternative. I didn’t wanna cruise the mall at the butt crack of dawn with all the old folks. Traipsing along the main drag would get you squished like an indecisive squirrel. So I asked Mr. Jim where he walked, since I knew he did it most every day. He took me to the absolute end of our street, and showed me…Oh my Gods!! It was amazing…there was a little dirt path that went by a big meadow and there were nature paths and a 2 and a half mile bike path, which you could walk on too, if you were careful that the pedal pushers didn‘t mow you down…Wow…I didn’t even know it was there!!! It was nestled in between my new town and a neighbouring one and taken care of by both. I hugged and kissed Mr. Jim for showing me. Even though I HAD to friggin’ do it, I KNEW that I was going to like wandering there, and seeing what critters might be lurking in the “wilderness“. I wanted to figure out what lived in the area. City people nevah think of this shit. I hadn’t, so I asked Mr. Jim. He said that depending on when I went, what time of day, how many idiots let their dogs loose, and the time of year, what I might see. I headed off to the bookstore for a field guide so I could keep track. He also mysteriously added that there might be other things that wouldn’t be found in any guidebook. Bullshit! I thought, he was just trying to fake me out…Silly me…I shoulda known better. He grew up in the area. He KNEW!

I went and bought nice top-of-the-line sneakers, special excercise clothes, a pedometer, the whole deal, but the first time I tried to walk, I thought I would die three steps in…I only did 5 minutes before I wanted to call an ambulance. Mr. Jim laughed and left me gasping and panting on a bench while he continued. Almost an hour later, I was okay to go and we walked back to the house. He said that I’d do better every time. He was right there.

We walked the bike path every morning, and sometimes at night too as long as it was cool and light enough out. I enjoyed walking with him. He would point out some of the trees as we went along. I knew a maple from an oak, and that was about it from this city slicker. As we spent more time together, I could tell the various maples apart and could find sassafras, sycamore, and hemlock too. All the types of sparrows were a pain though…quick and small and didn’t oblige me by standing still long enough to me to let me look them up. There was a main entrance to the park from both towns. One side you could drive right to the big lake in the middle. We did that one time. Mr. Jim showed me where the snapping turtle hung out and not to aggravate him unless you wanted to be minus a few phalanges. Umm, no thanks…I wouldn’t wanna swim anywhere near him either. We actually saw him in totality one day, basking on one of the docks. If you had told me he had been around since the Cretaceous, I woulda believed you. He was the size of a dining room table!! Even his little brethren resembled Gamera of Japanese horror film notoriety.

I settled into a nice routine. Wake up, have coffee, and get dressed. Feed the girls. Walk with Mr.Jim. Tele-communicate with work starting about 9. Break for lunch around noon. Finish up around 5. Feed the girls again and myself and Mr. Jim three times a week. He'd bring nice veggies from his garden for me and the birds. It was actually a pretty nice/good life…except for asshat's continuing presence. I got a license to carry…pepper spray and mace. I didn't think I'd be coordinated enough to use an actual firearm, not even a peashooter.

By the start of the summer I could actually keep up with Mr. Jim. It was great to have someone to walk with. The doctor and nutritionist were happy with me, too. I lost a couple of sizes and about 20 pounds. I still had more weight to go, but I was doing alright and felt better. And I had something else to look forward too: seeing all the neat woodland creatures in their natural habitats.

Midsummer, we’d still walk, but Mr. Jim seemed like he was slowing down. I tried pressing him on his health. He slammed shut like an unhappy quahog. He was a pipe smoker, but it had never seemed to have been an issue before. One day in early August, I knocked on his door because he hadn't come over for our breakfast together. He didn’t answer and I couldn't see inside because the drapes were still drawn. We had keys to each other’s houses so I let myself in. Unfortunately, he was gone. He had died peacefully in his sleep. I broke down and cried. Then I called 911, even though there was no use. Looking and feeling like a marble statue usually equals deadles. Answering all the police questions was horrible. I felt like *I* had done something wrong, but I had only touched him to feel for a pulse in his wrist and his neck. Our neighbours came out to see what was going on. I noticed a Crow sitting in a tree nearby and a Blue Jay on the same branch...that was rather odd, I thought. They didn't usually get along. There was also a pair of Red Tailed Hawks soaring over the house calling, as the body of my dear friend was wheeled out on a gurney wearing a body bag.

His family now came out of the woodwork like flies over a nice, fresh, steaming pile of shit. As soon as the police heard that it was a natural death from the Medical Examiner and cleared the scene, they went through the house like Grant through Richmond…They had a yard sale before he was even buried! I was appalled, but I had no right to say anything: I wasn‘t a part of the family, just a close friend of Mr. Jim‘s. Even the other neighbours were aghast. They had seen Mr. Jim’s family only on Christmas, Easter, and Thanksgiving for the 30 odd years that he had lived there. The things his family considered junk were precious to me, and on Tuesdays before the trash men came, I would go dumpster diving. I got a vintage piano stool, some bird houses, and braided rugs to remember him physically. All of us were begrudgingly invited to the wake, the funeral, and the collation afterwards. I think we would've crashed anyways. His three kids did rather generic eulogies at the church that would’ve been better suited to a stranger on a bus than their own father. There was lots of tsk’ing and headshaking from the neighbourhood contingent.

Before the end of the funeral the priest asked if anyone else had anything to share. I got up to speak. I hadn't been intending to, but I felt that I HAD to, to remind his family of the wonderful man and dear friend, we had lost. My knees were clacking together, but I looked at his empty shell just lying there in his casket, and knew that it was right for me to speak, that he wouldn't have had it any other way. I had NO idea what I was going to say, but I know that every word was truly from my heart. I told about the changes he had helped make in my life from the jar of honey when I first moved into the neighbourhood from the city, generously giving his neighbours veggies from his own bountiful gardens, supporting my ill-fated attempts are gardening, up to our walks in the park and identifying the animals we saw as we went along.

When I finally looked up from the podium, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house, even from the family. Casting my gaze around, there was a flock of strangely dressed mourners in the shadows at the very back of the church. They must've come in while I was talking. They all had on reflector shades like from the 80’s so you couldn‘t see their eyes behind the lenses, floppy hats that covered most of their faces, long trench coats or capes, and a couple even had gloves on even with the humidity and warmth of the summer day.

The neighbours all came up to me and expressed their condolences for MY loss: I seemed to be the only person completely broken up about Mr. Jim’s passing. I thought I’d run out of tears. There was a couple of perfunctory nods to the actual family, who had ignored me, even at the wake the previous night. The group at the back waited until the very end to approach: they didn‘t even flick an eyeball towards his survivors, but came straight to me. The spokesman for the group reached out his hand and told me that he was “Sorry the most for the losings of such a wonderful, caring, natural person…and a void remains that must be refilled.” “Natural person?” WTF was that? I smelled wood and mulch and leaves with a twist of petshop…weird as Hell cologne. He backed away with a nod, and the whole pack left as one. I didn't know that things were going to get interesting around my home from that point on…

I made it through the graveside service, and the evil glares during the luncheon back at the church facility. Mr. Jim had wanted to be cremated, and sprinkled over his beloved park, but his family buried him in a plot that was nowhere near where any of them lived, and that wasn’t right either. I don’t know if they thought someone was gonna visit him or dig him up or what. Maybe it was going to be out of sight out of mind. I could only HOPE that he would haunt the whole bloody lot of them.

His family ripped out all his vegetable beds and threw away his compost. I snagged everything I could get my hands on and I KNOW I wasn’t the only one who crossed the street with buckets or wheelbarrows. The mature vegetables I gave away as much as I could to the food pantry, then to the neighbours and I kept a few for myself and the girls. There were tomatoes, peppers, cukes, zucchini, summer squash…too much for any one person and 4 hens to eat and I found myself wondering why.